I wanted to (a poem)
I want you to say I’m good enough, my efforts are seen, the sheen on my forehead from the sweat I worked up making you happy is worth it
I want you to look my way, for your eyes to snag on me like the zipper of my new duvet I can’t close no matter how hard I try.
I want you
To know that when you say it’s just like riding a bike
That I’ve forgotten something fundamental that I’ve tried to fill in this gap
Left by the tooth I chipped when we thought we heard a ghost and you ran away so fast
your lungs burnt like the ash from your cigarette that ate a hole in my coat before you rounded the corner and ducked out of sight
While my feet slipped
in slow motion
on something wet slimy and cold like the ice I used to try and freeze my brain to bring down the swelling and drown out the pain as I fell
With nothing to hold onto, my face went first and the world flew passed
Eyes squeezed shut bracing for an impact that would surely
Undoubtedly, undeniably be my last.
But I still want you
When I can’t get out of my bed or my own way,
When I’m begging you to turn left, to take that exit, to find that pit stop, to take a deep breath
Inhale the stale garbage and rub the gasoline off your palms and onto your stupid fucking khakis
What I mean is to get off the highway and try my way instead
I want you
to hear me
even when I can’t say something nice so, I say nothing at all
I just think it so loud it blasts past my mouth and onto my foundation
It’s acid engraving the stone, it won’t stop eating, devouring, consuming before
purging to feast once more as you
backtrack, back pedal, back away, stay still, stay right where
I want you
Even when I forget there are no days off
That my absentee ballot still has to be hand-delivered with a lengthy, heartfelt apology
That the fantasies I concoct to spread over the oozing wounds of reality don’t actually act as a salve, they’re just cotton balls pretending to be band-aids, an uninformed infant in the ring with another Big Bad
Or that you said I was the best you ever had but you didn’t want that anymore
and thought I just couldn’t perform
the right way, or say the right things, and
that I never tried to please you when that was all I ever really tried to do.
until you politely informed me that I’d failed
there was no redemption arc for me, I’d flunked this class
my exposition was too slow too pretentious too wordy my character development was in the gutter and I couldn’t be bothered with a single redeeming quality
That’s when you looked me in the eyes, the same eyes shut tight, clinging to denial with all their might and you actually apologized – not for the lies you told me but for the lies you didn’t mean to tell yourself
but the truth was there was no way in hell I would ever be
Good enough.
and even then, I want you to know
that if it’s true what they say about doing what you love
then I never loved you
but fuck
I wanted to.
